I love that line in the LIVE song, Lightning Crashes when he says, "her intentions fall to the floor". If you didn't listen to music during the grunge era, while wearing your brother's frayed jeans and Stüssy shirts you may not know what I am talking about. However, that line is a perfect description of how intentions can get gummed up, and sometimes we just have to let life be life, and let it teach us those lessons we need to learn.
For instance, this morning I was excited to wake up, have breakfast/coffee with my husband, pray for Obama, and feel generally happy and content with my life. I have been trying to be more spiritually plugged in lately- by saturating myself in great books that pump positivity into my veins and reading the Bible more as well as praying about life when it gets tough instead of pouring another glass of wine and saying, here's to coping!
So I was feeling a little invincible with my spiritual force field protecting me, my new way of looking at life firmly fastened to my retinas, and Jesus in my back pocket. And then the boom dropped....
I couldn't find my car keys this morning.
No big deal right? Minor problem. Nobody was bleeding, nobody was in pain, nobody was in real danger.
And yet I was running around like an insania (yes, made up), looking in the obvious places- the counter, my pockets (five different times), closet, my purse (five different times) and then the less obvious of places- the front door, in the freezer, in the trash, under the bed, in the garbage disposal, in the cat box...don't ask- but alas, no jingle.
In frustration and anger at myself, I ordered my husband "You are going to have to take me to work, I can't be late!"
And then this of course launched us into the conversation about me ALWAYS losing everything. In which we then dealt ourselves into the dreaded 'shame game' of him asking me when am I going to stop being so absentminded and me reminding him that I didn't do it on purpose.
And then he retorts saying I should have "asked" instead of "ordering" him. I imagine this looks something like me batting my eyelashes and hitting my knees in apology while I helplessly eek out, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience but can you please take me to work kind sir?" In which I respond to his request with a roll of my eyes and a curt, "Fine. I'm sorry." That never works by the way...bad idea.
We huff and puff our way into the freezing cold- pile into his ice encased Altima and have to pull some major car maneuvers to get around my car that was blocking him in. We sit in silence all the way to my job- my chest burning, my eyes gathering tears from frustration- why can't he just say, "Honey anything you need, I will drop it all for whatever you desire may be. I would drive you to the ends of the earth if it would make things easier for you." I mean is that really that hard?
As we were rounding the block and pulling up to my work, I was so upset. I tried praying the annoyance away but it wouldn't budge, I had tried sitting in silence as not to rock the boat anymore, but it was just making me feel worse. And I realized...I am human, and while I am trying to be better at managing my feelings and being a good wife, friend, employee, and Christian- I was not being a good example of anything- I was being S-T-U-B-B-O-R-N.
I was being a whiny little baby- as was he. Two imperfect humans acting human-riffic again.
I bit my tongue swallowed my pride, and said, "I'm sorry. Thanks for taking me to work." His face softened and he said, "Of course. I love you. "I love you too."
Door shuts. Crisis overted. Bridge mended. Argument over.
My perfect intentions fell to the floor with a crash, and humility and a renewed appreciation for grace rose from the ashes.
Boarding the elevator for another day of the same thing, I shoved my cold hands into my pockets.
Jingle. Jingle.
Eyes widen. Jaw drops. How in the.....?
Maybe God was playing hide and go seek with my keys trying to teach two bratty kids a lesson about meeting in the middle- or maybe, life is just life, and we lose things every now and then. Either way, I have never felt so happy to hear the jingle of my keys and to know that the key to unlocking our intentions is somehow always tied back to love.
3 comments:
I should probably take a page out of your book. J and I are both so incredibly stubborn that I'm a little worried the dog might go into hiding one day. I've gotten better, but man it's hard to swallow that down.
As far as downing that glass of wine and "here's to coping"--mine may consist of a sugar coma later tonight.
hahah! Great post! Josh is always losing his keys. They are generally in the oddest places possible- the bathroom, under the bed, in the closet. :)
and thanks for the nice response. I was an editor before moving here. So many of us are battling against the economy right now. I remain optimistic!
Are you sure you aren't me? Are you sure that you aren't my more intelligent, witty self, because days like these are common thing in our household.
Although, i have to spit my apologies through my teeth after staring out the car window for 30 minutes. I think half the time it makes me even that much more angry to have to apologize when I know I was in the wrong.
What's with us women?
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