The Comfort of Complacency

The New Year has begun, but if I am honest, it feels overwhelming. The truth is that every New Year feels that way to me. It's easy to figure out why, I blame my blind ambition. I make a goal list every year full of inexhaustible, uncompilable, over-achieving lofty aspirations, which one could never complete in one year let alone a decade.

All of those goals I didn't reach; those triathlons I didn't run, the number one song I didn't pitch, the writing contests I didn't enter, the novel that is still stuck in neutral- it's all these little missteps that cause me to once again reevaluate my life and wonder what goals should I make this year? Instead of making goals like, starting my own magazine by traveling around the world recruiting investors and learning two new languages it will be something like...read more books that aren't written by American authors or drink less diet soda.

You see, this time- and this year I want to be able to wake up on January 1st of next year and feel accomplished and progressive in my own behavior and thoughts. So this goal list for 2009 will be things I can and will actually do. So when the first decade of the New Millennium rounds itself out I can say , "Look, I did everything I wanted to in 2009", even if that means that getting nominated for a Pulitzer falls from the list with a thud.

There is something to be said for stretching yourself, and pushing yourself to do more than you thought you could, but there is also a joy in realism. When you come to a place that is in juxtaposition between the two, it is then that you can enjoy little victories which over time compound into larger ones.

So for my simple little self here are a few things that I would like to accomplish this year:

1. Be content with my life on a daily basis. This will look something like: don't curse the gods when those lopsided burners inside my oven burn up every pizza we make- instead, just eat the unburnt side and be happy that we even have a working oven.
2. Be thankful more and think about my self less, and stop wondering "What am I doing with my life?" (Since I don't want this to end up on the things I didn't accomplish in 2009, because how impossible is it for a melancholy artist to not ask such a question, I will change it to " What can I do today that will add value to the quality of my life?".
3. Enjoy coffee, but have at least one cup of tea a week coupled with a good book in my favorite chair.
4. Write a whole lot of awful songs to completion. I am notorious for stopping mid-way through a song when my I realize how ridiculous and awkward the progression is- Oh and I need to stop worrying that someone has bugged my house and will post the whole lot of melodious crap on You Tube.
5. Call my husband by his nicknames even when I am angry. They are so silly, that I am pretty sure I would crack up right in the middle of an argument if used. Relational tension diffuser? Create stupid nick names. (ie: Beanser)
6. Give myself a break. If I don't make it to the gym, or if I have a chocolate craving that I cave in to or drink too much wine- I refuse to berate myself. Guilt is sooo 2008 and I am leaving that one behind.
7. Stop hiding out in the comfort of complacency. I may work forty hours a week but I am tired of using that as an excuse to not be creative, play gigs, write stories, paint canvases. I have the rest of my life to get good sleep (giving up sleep is a huge sacrifice for me), so I need to do other things outside of my comfort zone this year that don't involve coming home, hitting the couch, watching TV and zoning out.
8. Stop thinking about going home. I am in Nashville for a reason and with a new home, there is no point in fantasizing about a place that isn't the way I remember it as being. Home will always be there for you, but adventure? Well, that is a destination that few ever find.
9. Money comes and money goes. Bottom line. Don't waste any thoughts on worrying about money.
10. Take better care of my skin. Drink more water. Floss every night (hmm...at least four times a week).
11. Dance.
12. Learn to cook.
13. Don't expect anything, just enjoy surprises as they come.
14. Throw out all of those clothes that I am hanging on to because they used to fit...like um, seven years ago. Just toss them and embrace the new me.
15. Laugh at myself more.
16. Stop relying on other people to make me feel important.
17. Cry when I feel like it.
18. Use real butter.
19. Get nervous more often. This usually means that I am doing something unfamiliar, and that's always a good thing.
20. Pray constantly.