My Own Personal 2008 Recap

Hush and Such's 2008 Recap: (not in order of importance, or in any order of any kind)




1. The "bob" made a comeback and I had two hairdressers tell me it wouldn't work on me. Turned down for a haircut? Talk about rejection.





2. Pam and Jim got engaged on The Office. I know they are fictitious characters and in real life they probably can not stand each other- but they shine a light into my heart every time their mundane lives get oh so romantical.









3. Barack Obama claims the presidency, and we all felt hope for the first time in a long time. Pray that the change he brings is the change this nation so desperately needs.









4. Twilight, my favorite series was made into a movie- where I sat sandwiched between teen mothers with crying babies and hysterical tweens. It was awesome. And despite the whole immaturity of the scene, I found myself totally swooning over Edward. Who doesn't like romance between humans and vampires? Sticks in the mud that's who.






5. My favorite Australian actor, Heath Ledger passed away. While death is inevitable when someone goes that young it makes death seem so random, so jarring- and sometimes so unfair.






6. The recession. My Lord, what can I say...banks going out of business, foreclosures at an all time high, lay-offs, crime rates increasing, businesses failing left and right. The stock market crashing, and yet we are all still here- fighting to make it through, and hoping that 2009 is that first step to governmental reconciliation.



7. Britney's back. Ok....I know, how pathetic. Who cares about some coked up mom who got her kids taken away and handed over to their tatted, oily, "womanizer" dad, while proceeding to flash the public her womanhood, shave her head, and astonish us with her bad taste? Well...I do. I like her music, and I think deep down she's a good southern girl who made some bad choices. Welcome back to the land of the living honey! 

8. I moved to Nashville, TN and put down some roots. There is something to be said for taking a chance in life and actually following through. The rest is just details-                                         

but showing up, that's the main event. 

Lighten Up!

Carry me away and I will follow
Keep me at bay and I will stay
I am the road meeting rubber
A single thread in life's fray

Flying high is not everyday
Feeling alive, that is the point
I feel my blood pulsating
I am unafraid to disappoint

I am a glass menagerie
But steel keeps me intact
Throw your stones forcefully
I refuse to crumble and crack

Maybe falsified courageous
But fearless nonetheless
So keep me in your pocket
Until your lint confess

That I belong in the traffic
I belong in the underground
One simple little getaway
Where few to none are found

Perhaps I am just a bank teller
Handing out dollars I don't own
But at least I've got my foot down
Underneath a broken sole

So, let's just recap a life train
Perplexing and uncharted
A back and forth upside ride
Leaving together or departed

Perhaps I only puffed to smoke
But at least I started fire
Lighten up this darken room
I'm just sparking to inspire

~M.M

Drowning on Dry Land

So I survived the holiday season.

Deep breath.

And now here comes the new year. There are so many things I am looking forward to and yet so may things I am afraid of in the next few months. Uncertainty (financially and vocationally) has made me somewhat of a basket case, but instead of me using that electric nervousness to be some kind of creative outlet, I am just trying to shush it away and just revel in the normalcy that is my everyday.

I can't help but wonder, not only what happened to all of those big dreams that I used to have, but even more so the firm belief that I was without a doubt going to achieve them. I truly believed that my abilities would take me somewhere...somewhere further than my routine, and now I am not sure what I believe.

One of the joyous things about family Christmas (sarcasm intended) is the incessant asking about babies. Yes, I know I have been married for going on two years and maybe a family someday would be nice...but kids? Now? That isn't my plan...although I guess getting married fairly young wasn't either.

Moving to Nashville just to work forty hours a week and not pursue music? Well...that is more of an obligation than a decision. Should responsibility override passion, and if not how come it is so easy for me to let it fade? Laziness, fear? Probably equal parts of both.

While all of this may sound like whining, because well it kind of is, it's more so a reflection of my self slipping out of my mid-twenties into my late twenties and thinking I should be more "me" now than I have ever been, but sometimes I just feel like a stranger to myself.

I guess the good news is this: the fat lady hasn't sung and who knows maybe my ship will still come in...I think getting my butt off the shore should be the first step.

Deep breath.

New Year's Resolution Number 1: Make 2009 the year I finally jump in head first.

New Year's Resolution Number 2: Don't fall victim to Al Green's lyrical genius as I refuse to be peer pressured into becoming one of those "babies having babies", I have a lot of dreams to chase down, so I am going to put me first for quite a while.

Where Are You Christmas?

Tradition is something that I think is lost on us "kids", as my Gramps would say, but that doesn't mean that fruit cakes (how gross), caroling and midnight mass are the only ways to properly employ the tradition of Christmas.

For instance, I have a few holiday traditions of my own.

1. Watch Jim Carey as the Grinch, much to the chagrin of my husband, and appropriately laugh at all of the overly acted parts that force comedic timing down my throat (better obvious than smart I always say).
2. Wear Christmas sweaters and drink too much rum and eggnog while decorating the tree somehow not realizing until the last ornament has been hung, that I hate eggnog and that spiced rum reminds me of rubbing alcohol and cinnamon.
3. Consistently, without fail, buying my husband Christmas presents that are ill-fitting. Shirts that are too big, shoes that are too small, boxers that have extra large waistbands and hats that pinch his temples. (He has the biggest noggin, I swear they don't even make hats that big- not my fault.)
4. Wrapping presents in a flurry and then forgetting to tag them, which forces me to unwrap and re-wrap them time and time again- I know...it's so un-green.
5. Bringing the gift that I want to end up with to Christmas exchanges, and then pretending that I didn't bring it- thickly pouring on the excitement when I do, in fact, clench my own gift. (Not leaving with the gift I brought? That is a risk I am willing to take.)
6. Crying at least once on Christmas day- due to the appalling, "I can't believe she just said that" familial stresses OR overarching, unbridled, I am so brimming with happy tears- (this is dependent upon geographical happenstance, welcome to marriage and split Christmases.)
7. Fielding calls from drunk exes who like to stir up drama around the holidays. Hint: If you're ex-girlfriend is married DON'T call to wish her Merry Christmas, she is probably having a very merry time without you.
8. Praying a real, "I am going to take time out for you God" prayer. And reveling in the blessing that is life.
9. Stealing away in the middle of the day to take a luxurious, fully clothed 2pm Christmas nap. There is nothing more enjoyable than a quiet snooze in the middle of all of the hubbub.
10. Getting worked out like a maniac by my husband's body-builder dad and his personal trainer wife- hence hobbling around for days afterwords having to agree with their constant commentary, "Yes, that was a GREAT workout! 6 am spinning tomorrow? Wouldn't miss it!" Crap.
11. Kissing and hugging my husband until he has to remind me that we are in the company of others, who cares? PDA is the new PM Dawn.
12. Lastly, getting forced to sing Christmas carols in the company of strangers, since I am the girl who lives in Nashville and has a CD- so naturally, of course, I want to lead everyone in "Little Drummer Boy". Meh.

Merry Christmas to all, and have a very happy, safe holiday!

xoxo,
M

Hankerings and a Hummer

My newly found tight-wad budget is screaming at me from the bottom line of my bank account. So why am I suddenly accosted by an insatiable itching in my fingers to twirl al dente pasta around my fork while listening to a quartet of strings over a bottle of expensive wine in a low cut Prada gown at a five star restaurant?

And just so you know, I am much more of the...how do I put this? Cautious spender of my household. Besides my cat Mojo, who has no pockets and therefore no pocketbook, I am the penny pinching, don't buy name brand nothing type of girl.

The adage that says you only want what you can't have seems cuttingly apropos.

Do I really want to spend money I don't have? No. Do I want to spend money that I wish I had? Absolutely!

You can't order a cup of Joe or go to the bathroom without hearing about the economic downturn. Well, I want to fly in the face of the media. I desperately want to go out and boost our economy. I want to spend money- kick back with a vodka martini laughing and petting my Great Dane in front of the fireplace, while tasting Abondance cheese from the Rhone-Alps region in France...the problem?

First of all, I am lactose intolerant and secondly...even though I detest how the media brutally punches all of us repeatedly in the head- just in case we somehow forgot that we are experiencing financial hardships peppered with exaggerations, falsities and scare tactics- I gotta say right now I feel the pinch.

Its aggravating.

And I am also becoming a smidgen bitter. One my way to work this morning, I saw an uber thin blonde, dressed to the nines climbing into a Hummer with rims, her blonde hair waving in the wind, and her Gucci Luggage being handled with kitten gloves by the pubescent bell boy.

I couldn't help but wonder, doesn't she know that I can't even afford to get a latte? Doesn't she know that I am skipping Christmas this year? Doesn't she know that the layoff rates are staggering? Doesn't she know that Hummers are the ugliest cars...not to mention the Army's choice for transportation, which may as well serve as a pro-war bumper sticker, without even needing the sticker?

Now understand- My husband spent a year in Iraq. This is not a protest blog. But would I be protesting and screaming and picketing the White House if he had not returned to me safely? Yes. So I understand and have empathy for those that have suffered such loss. I can't look at a Hummer these days without thinking about the boys that are still over there.

Obviously, Blondie hasn't made the connection. And then she drove away.

And I realized, of course she doesn't know. Why should she know, nevertheless care?

And then I was thankful. Thankful I had a job. Thankful that I have tact. Thankful that I have a husband who is strong and able. Thankful that I live in a city that I love, with people that I care for, and have a roof over my head and a car that works and a fridge that has food.

And now I just realized, I feel somewhat ashamed. Becuase even though lately I have fantasized about spending thousands in one stop, and drinking champagne and not having to worry about the bottom line, and feeling free from the tension of tight budgets...I am happy.

I am happy, and I don't drive a ridiculous murdering tank.

The Dangers of Fairy Tale Childhoods, and The True Reflection that A Diamond Ring Brings

Last night, my best friend, whom I have known since I was nine years old got engaged.

As we both giggled over the phone and I ran around the room asking about what the ring looked like and how it happened, it dawned on me that I felt like I was back to the tender, naive age of nine. And it was a welcomed altruism. One that took me by surprise.

But honestly, how could I avoid reverting back to the land of fairy tales and Prince Charmings? As a child, I had been conditioned, or more accurately "targeted" by toy campaigns from heartless corporate big-wigs, to view love as such?...hence this absolutely heinous commercial about this year's hot toy, which is called (finger in throat) Diamond Castle Glimmer Horse, which I linked to this blog for your entertainment.

This pink, cupcake-eating, heart-string pulling, genderless horse is a perfect example of the kind of things I fell prey to when I was a little girl. Aside from it's creepy misalignment with reality in general, (it was a harsh blow when I discovered unicorns were a farse, it hit me harder than the Santa hoax), it also plays a fiendish role in distorting what marriage is in the minds of pliable little "daddy's princesses".

And let me tell you from experience, there ain't no pink horse that flies you to a diamond castle every night after you clock out of your nine-to-five job, tired and disenchanted, having to face a fridge full of groceries that you don't want to make and a load of unfolded laundry wrinkling it's way to ninety years old in the dryer.

Granted, I am not a sage. I am a little nub on the tree of long lasting marriages. I will be celebrating my 5th Christmas with my husband but only our second married one. I know I have loads to learn. Perhaps one of the biggest things I had to learn is this: while I was force fed diamond encrusted dreams through an IV loaded with saccharine cartoons and plastic play-things, it came into focus that normalcy is so much more comforting than the fallacy of fairy tales.

I am happy for my best friend and her husband-to-be. Not because I think her beach wedding will be spectacular, or because she deserves the perfect ending to her singledom buttoned off by the sparkle of a diamond ring. Its because she will now be joining the ranks of women who believed in love, and now get to find out what the whole thing is really about.

Marriage for me, has enlightened, tested, refined, matured, and held me in so many ways. Watching TV with my best friend (that's my boy) in pajamas eating salsa and chips for dinner for the third night in a row. It's a far cry from suppers in the dining hall, with roasted boar and candied pecans but man, is it so much better!

I do not live in a castle, I do not ride a flying horse to work. I did not marry prince charming, I do not sing to animals, and even if I did they wouldn't understand me (Snow White is a damn liar). So when I look down at my ring I see a testament of promise, that no matter what happens...a true reflection of human frailty and acceptance will be found.

So my dearest friend, welcome to "for better or for worse"- the stuff that real life is made of.

Hit by a Mack Truck, Rain on My Parade, my Balloon Got Stuck in a Tree..

Pity Parties are Not Allowed...Allowing a Party Pity? Well That's Just Human Kindness.

In my little corner of the world it has been somewhat of a black Tuesday. My husband's entire office got let go and we just acquired a new mortgage. Sweet. Also one of our authors, that we dearly cared for, passed away today from complications with cancer. And Christmas is looking more bleak than it ever has.

As I was researching unemployment rates, I stumbled across this absolutely horrific book on CNN about how the world is coming to an end, and how the United States has been prophesied to fall and then we will find ourselves in the final world war, and we will all die.

Not exactly the book I want to be reading right now, thanks.

I don't buy into fear breeding. I may be financially fearful at the moment, but I am also a believer in hope and grace and success, and even the American Dream. Which has lost it's glow over the last year for most of us- but things will get better I know it.

The most beautiful thing about loss is the people that clamor around you wanting to help. Every single person that I have trusted with this news (because let's face it, it's not the most glamorous or easy thing to tell people) have rallied around me, offered me contact numbers, or even financial help and said they would keep their eyes and ears open. It's so moving, and I feel so grateful for those people so willing to help me...no strings attached.

I know my husband will find something else to do, and I know we will be just fine. He is one of those people who has sunshine shining out of his...well you know.

He was prom king and the class president, while I was the girl cleaning out bagel from my braces and reading Pride and Prejudice. He graduated at the top of his class, while I've dropped out of community college twice. Even his own sister calls him the golden boy, so I am not worried about him at all. Besides his pride being a little bruised, he will survive.

Getting hit by a Mack Truck would be much worse than what I am going through right now, even though the expression fits the condition of my heart, I am still alive and well.

So in remembrance of Frank Durham, our author of Cain's Version, embrace life.

You only get just the one. So make it count- even if you've got a lot of things counting against you, put on your seat belt, grab an umbrella and let the balloons go- besides you can pick up an entire pack at the grocery store for a buck.

Stormy Weather

Some days I feel so bankrupt emotionally. Today I am so spent.

We had some stormy weather in the Northwest, it snowed pretty heavily. Even though it was beautiful to see Seattle covered in a blanket of snow it also delayed my flight back here.

Going home is a great feeling, but I don't feel as homesick as I thought I would. I actually am relieved to be back.

And when I started to think about that, I realized that it may be because I am so happy for the person I have become now that I am no longer back there. When I go home, while I get to be encircled by those I love, I am also surrounded by old ghosts. Ones that I almost forgot used to haunt me. Ghosts of insecurity. Loneliness. Fear. Inadequacy.

All of the things that you face when you are immature, young and a little directionless.

I am so happy to be home. I never thought anywhere else could feel like the place I grew up. There are great things about your history, but there is something even better about your future. Your dreams and the possibilities that a new city can offer you.

Besides, "love is where your story begins"... and Mr. Johnson and I? Well our love began right here, so Nashville thanks for welcoming me home.

Preemptive Emotion

This is how I will be feeling tomorrow at noon, and I haven't even left Seattle yet.

Prancer, Dancer and Nervous?

This makes me laugh.

Just what the world needs....

One more Megan Johnson.

And this leads me to a very controversial topic.

Changing your name after you get married.

I am not a feminist. But am I a female who didn't change her name after she got married? Yes.

Am I proud of my accomplishments pre-marriage, and happy with the identity I had carved out for myself these last twenty-or so years previous to my "I do's"? Yes.

Do I have t-shirts, records, elementary report cards, camp t-shirts, softball uniforms, journals, poems, and finger-paintings that all belong to and are in some way monogrammed with my pre-married self? Yes.

And would my marriage mean anything more to me or my husband if on top of pledging my life to him for better or worse, in sickness and in health, in football season and in baseball season, and basketball season, and tennis season, and what other seasons are there??? Hmmm...Christmas season?

Absolutely NOT!

Don't get me wrong I think it is an incredibly romantic gesture to change your name. If I am truly honest, if it wasn't for the hassle of me living in Tennessee and my marriage license being filed in Seattle, I may make more of an effort to assimilate my identity to my husband's.

But alas laziness, mixed with my own sense of extreme personal pride in having alliterated initials, have led me to the other side of this topic where I firmly stand (for now) at keeping my own name.

I may be flying in the face of traditionalism and gathering grimaces from willing name shifters across the globe, but I am sticking to my guns.

And with that... let me explain the image above.

I get to have my unmarried name 365 days a year, so on the Christmas cards you better believe that I will appease the in-laws and oblige, that's one conversation over turkey and giblets that I don't want to have to have. Again.

Welcome to the holiday season. Let me introduce myself, "I am Megan Johnson." 

Right about now....

Sliding Doors

So I have never actually seen the movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. It came out in '98, but I find myself thinking about that movie all the time. As I understand it, it's a movie about missing a train and how two completely different lives stem from such a seemingly innate detail.

I found this synopsis on IMDB:

"A London woman's love life and career both hinge, unknown to her, on whether or not she catches a train. We see it both ways, in parallel."

Here's the deal. I don't want to see this film. I am sure that it isn't as absolutely enlightening as the concept is behind the drama, and I know I would be let down. But it does make for absolutely delicious commentary.

For instance, moments ago on an unusually dreary and wet day here in Nashville I made a routine pit stop at the local HG Hill market for some jerky and swung by Dunn Brothers Coffee for some tea and a few minutes to myself. Chatting away with my mom about nothing, (our conversations are extremely consistent but rarely do I say anything she doesn't already know), my boot suddenly gave way and slipped out from under me.

In that moment, my phone flew out of my hand and I knew I was going down. Wearing a white coat and knowing that this may end in a broken tailbone, I could do nothing but just let gravity play it's evil tricks.

Before I knew it an angel appeared, in a red hoodie and skater shoes, reaching out to save me from a bitter fall. He didn't know me. It probably would've been a funny story to tell his buddies later, about how this dressed up professional chick bit asphalt right in front of him. But he didn't let me fall. A stranger reached out and saved me.

I don't know what parallel existence me falling on my arse would have created, but an awful afternoon would have been the first sliding door followed by a hefty dry cleaning bill and a broken butt to round it all out.

Life has so many possibilities, and I often wonder how many times a traffic jam has saved me from an fatal accident, a lost cell phone has kept me from making a stupid call, or a bitter loss has helped me find what I was really looking for- or, in this case, a broken fall has kept me from uttering one more cuss word followed by a renewed appreciation for my fellow man.

But most of all I wonder, if that guy hadn't of caught me what consequences would be plaguing me right now? And introspectively, how many times have I let someone fall down right in front of me and never reached out a helping hand?

To the dude in the red, thank you for teaching me a lesson, and thank you for setting the example for how we can all save each other one broken fall at a time.

Quote of the Day

Thanks to "It's a Heart Rock Life" I found this quote by C.S. Lewis which is sparklingly acute.

You don't have a soul.
You are a soul.
You have a body.
--CS Lewis

Warm Fuzzies

This image makes me want to run away...

Two Nights and Counting...

Going home.... : )

Inspirational Suffrage

It's amazing to me, how intolerant I am of empty space and silence. If there is a blank page in front of me I want to fill it. If there is no one speaking I start nervously humming. If there is a beautiful photograph or piece of art that sparks my own intercommunication- it cuts open a deeper purpose within me- and I want to stop everything and describe it, praise it, emulate it.

Perhaps what is more staggering than my obsession with creating, is my low capacity to handle long periods of inspirational suffrage. Times when the ability to sculpt story and paint vivid strings of thought don't come easily.

There are days, weeks, and yes, even months at a time when I open up my mouth to sing. No sound. Or grip a pen, with full intentions to release the welling up of discontentment and displaced opportunity inside me, only to find nothing scratched beneath the slide of my pen stroke. I blame it on my day job...."It's sucking the life out of me!", my poor husband can attest, or I will ignore the whisper inside of my head that pushes me to turn off The Office and pick up a paintbrush- missing a moment of artistic expression.

Whatever the reason, the truth can be found in the acceptance of my very own flawed and frail humanity. I will miss windows. I will make poor decisions. I will put life before passion. Who knows, maybe I missed out on my greatest artistic achievement because I went wine tasting with a friend or to see Twilight (I am a HUGE dorky fan).

 The bottom line is that while I thrive off of creating in this little corner of my world, I am still sometimes lazy, uninspired, sad, lonely, and average. All of which causes me to truly embrace the days when my mind works freely without the clicking glitch of broken elucidation.

To all of us "outside of the box" thinkers. Never stop creating- no matter if all you end up with is a blank page- because endless possibilities still lie therein.

Necklaces...so lovely. (Click Here to get your own. Tweet. Tweet.)

Thanks to LeLeGreen (lelegreencreative.blogspot) I was pleasantly pointed in the direction of these simple yet poignant necklaces. Hmmmm shall I have one? Yes, please. 

What I am craving right now....

+

=

  Yummy!

If this was my space...I would never, ever leave

This room turns me on.

I miss this...

Speechless
Munroe/Oaks

You quiet my soul
Tame the uncontrolled
My words are neither
Bought nor sold
I can’t look you in the eye
And artfully describe
The beauty within the calm

So I am speechless
Needless to say
I’m at a loss
For losing sake
I’m tongue-tied
In a thousand knots
Cause silence says it all

No fancy poetry
From the likes of me
Could ever fill this space
The holes in my soul
That only you can fill
Will never be complete

Sometimes the things that we don’t say
Mean so much more than anything
We try to add to the empty noise
We just fill the void, just fill the void

Stephen's Girl

I will hold your heart right beside the coffee table I will not forget where you belong. You belong in my everyday. You make this worth doing As the world fades away I will paint you vividly. Out of all the foggy days You make this very clear There's no such thing as giving love out of fear. I have been afraid before I can't shuffle away that card but I've never lost my heart it just not my own anymore. I may not be accurate but I recall how the veil fell the sparkle of champagne the silver-lined wishing well. My memory fails me not The colors are still bold Blue is my borrowed you, To forever have and hold. ~M.M © 2007

Christmas Shopping at it's Finest

Vintage clothing, one of kind pieces, chunky jewelry and great Christmas party dresses. This is one of my favorite vintage shops back home in Seattle, called the Frock Shop. Worth a looksie.

http://www.shopfrockshop.com/

I love this jacket, it's called the Fremont Jacket...pricey, but oh so adorable.

Mother's Poem...for my mom

Years are lost on the wind, like stray embers from a fire
Remnants of smoke give testament to a love that never tires.
A million memories light up the road that she has traveled,
Along with faded snapshots of a woman, once a child.
Everyday she adds pages to the life she’s made her own
An endless quilt of patches, tattered and then re-sewn.
Life has no perfect number, to which we can assign,
A moment or an afternoon that makes an entire life.
It’s a brief slideshow of pictures forgotten and then replayed
Like the first time she read the Bible, or knelt down to pray
There’s the day that she let her childhood slip into the past,
Beautiful in white-she gave her hand to a love that still lasts.
She watched her son’s first at bat, her daughter’s first ballet,
I envision the first tear she cried over dreams that never came.
Her laugh is louder and stronger, every day she truly gives,
Which adds depth and color to the quality of life she lives.
Fifty diamonds sparkle, each gem a cornerstone to shine,
Building blocks that create a window through passing time.
Embrace the moments that made you who you are today,
Because, dear friend, I wouldn’t want a mother any other way.

My Favorite Place on Earth

A Quiet Surrendering

Hush.

It's just the rush
Of the wind

Nothing to fear

Hush.

Pretty baby
The storm will pass
in time.

Hush.

Hold your breath
but don't cry.

The wind is just a veil
Here comes the clear blue sky.

M.M.~ 2008 ©