More Like a Measuring Cup and a Watering Can

I don't pray as much as I should.

Prayer is a loaded word, because it sounds so spiritual, but really it is just talking to God and truly believing He hears. Well that's what I consider prayer to be. So I guess it is a little "spiritual" in the sense that it calls for a measure of faith- well actually it calls for more than a measure, more like a measuring cup of faith.

If I am honest about it, prayer kind of eludes me. I don't know how powerful it is, because I can truly say I have never been one of those prayer warriors, who sets aside hours of their day to be on their hands and knees in prayer.

The title "prayer warrior" is such Christianese too. It's a term that seems to be reserved for those elite members that have direct lines into heaven. I used to know someone who would stand on the street outside of our house and pray while cars would whiz by. That kind of stuff makes my skin crawl.

Maybe I shouldn't feel that way , but it's never felt natural to me. The thing that is most strange about prayer is that you are basically talking to someone you have never seen, shaken hands with or audibly heard- and yet you divulge your deepest needs, biggest dreams, and largest shortcomings in a way that gives you freedom from yourself.

I used to journal my prayers, and sometimes still do, but have found that speaking out loud, or thinking a prayer to myself has been more of the route I have taken lately.

This morning as I was half mumbling and half out-louding my prayer, it occurred to me that we all have half parts darkness and half parts lightness in us. I find that the ratio of darkness to light is dependent upon what you do with the light and the dark. This morning, I was praying that my darkness would be overshadowed by the light, since I was feeling a heaviness, my dark was winning a little.

That is a prayer I should never stop praying, because my darkness- my self-interest, my hurtful behavior, my stupidity, my addictiveness, my fears- always seems to infringe upon my light if left alone too long.

The longer I go believing that I am full of light, the quicker I can be overtaken by the dark.

I was reading 1 Corinthians this morning and I read something in a new way. Paul is talking to the crazy Corinthians and he says "I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God that gives the growth." And then he wraps up this by saying, "You are God's field."

I like this because it gives me a little bit of direction. This gives me a purpose, and a small glimpse of what my role is in the big plan. I know I am not a planter, and I sure as hell know I am not God, so that leaves me one option: I am a waterer in the panoramic scope of God's field.

I am not a torrential downpour, I am more like a watering can, but I am a waterer none the less. We are all good at different things, I imagine that planters are better at standing on the street corners and praying for the world to see, and waterers, like myself, are the ones who watch from inside while working out their own measure of faith- one cup at a time.

It's a different journey for everyone. But we are all a part of the same field. We are all blades of grass that dance in the wind, get beat down by the storms, or bask in the sun. Some have deeper roots, some are newly planted, and some are on their way to dying.

Prayer is water for my soul. It keeps those dark times from taking me underground.

Like God says, "Let light shine out of darkness".

We are capable of great things, and not because we are talented, or beautiful, or smart, but because we have been given all the tools we need to grow.

I know I am growing. I know this because it is painful to shed the old shadows and take on the new sun scape- and I feel the pinch. Not changed, just changing.

I know this blog is a little heavy on the preach, but I needed to be reminded that I am a part of something. I am a single plant that makes up the field, and so are you. What I do does matter, even if all I do is exist to grow.

So all this talk is just to remind myself to pray more, and to cheer each other on- Go Field!