Emotional Rollercoaster

Today I got to work and had a strange twist in my stomach.

It wasn't sickness, it wasn't nervousness. It wasn't fear, and it wasn't excitement.

My senses felt oddly alert, almost neon, radiating outside of myself. It was almost as if something was happening around me in the shell of my everyday that I was missing. Something was different, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I could hear a low buzz (one like those blue fly traps that emit a lullaby to lure unsuspecting insects to their death) humming in my brain.

Was I a fly on the way to my death?

Probably not.

However, last night I was apprehended by the strangest dreams.

I am not a stranger to disturbing dreams, I swear I had a solid year where I never had a good dream- just car wrecks, pregnancy scares, and a few anxiety-mares about showing up late or getting lost for some important date.

Last night was one stressful dream after another. For instance, I had one dream that was like a flashing image over and over of a couple using my blender to make smoothies, but they didn't put the lid on and so everything spilled out in a spray of pink and yellow. Whoever was manning the blender was in hysterics. I was not.

And then I had a dream about a file folder. One that was so full, and so time sensitive that I didn't know where it went or what I was supposed to do with it, but I knew it was important. I remember feeling my fingers clutching it like my last dollar bill. And so I just held onto this overstuffed file folder, looking at people in suits passing me by wondering if I should ask someone if they could identify why this file folder was so important, and why it was causing me so much stress, and most of all why in the world I had it!

So I tossed and turned with these snapshots of annoying cul-de-sac dreams, waking up unrefreshed and worried.

I know that dreams may mean nothing, but sometimes I wonder if they are more powerful than we give them credit for.

Today, something changed. I am not sure what that will look like for me in the future, and at this time I am not at liberty to give details, but the truth is that I am tackling some big issues about what in the world I was created to do. What is my point? There is one right?

Jesus came to serve. That was his biggest message. He didn't come to get, he didn't come to be the next American idol, and he didn't die so that he could be in a movie about his life thousands of years later that would make him millions.

He came to give. To sacrifice. To humble himself.

And this is where I get completely confused.

I know what I am good at in this life, but if I don't have opportunities to do those things, then what am I supposed to do?

Quit my job, and run into the hills to make music and write books and screenplays for an audience of one?

No.

That's not giving, that's selfish.

But if you want to add another very politically incorrect layer to the cake, what am I supposed to do with those people who think that women shouldn't want to be successful in the work world, especially if I greatly respect those people, and honestly love them?

Could I perhaps find a purpose in a job- one that is to put myself aside and serve others? To show up to a place everyday where I don't get the glory, where it is never nor will ever be about me and what I bring to the table?

I was told once that any employee is just as important as putting your fist in a bucket of water. If you put your fist in and find that when you pull it out there is still an imprint of your fist than you are irreplaceable. If not, don't ever think you can't be replaced.

Not so comforting.

I don't want my emotions to make important business decisions for me. I don't want my lack of excitement in my life to be the determining factor of if I am where I should be in this world or not.

I don't want to hide out, or more accurately, hide behind a desk if there is something else that God is calling me to do.

But the phone lines on this matter have been silent, and so I am just going to keep on keeping on until that changes.

In the meantime, I think my dreams last night were prophetic, since I may be taking a detour on this crazy ride called self-discovery, and I am holding a file I am afraid to open, or more accurately afraid to close.