I stole that line from Coldplay.
But it such a flipping sweet line, I felt compelled to jot down a few thoughts on the subject of losing.
As you may or may not have noticed, I have been as quiet as a nun on my blog this week. Not by choice mind you, but I have been silenced by the busyness of my life's little blip on the occupational radar. I have been taken hostage by deadlines, incredulous amounts of work, and my own fear of failure at a job that shouldn't define me, but has somehow become my standard of personal success.
Whenever I get apprehended by the importance of the non-important, I find myself constantly losing the battle towards forward progress.
Forward progress looks different for everyone. Some people want to improve their relationships, some people want a promotion, some people want a demotion, and some people just want some direction for direction's sake.
That's me. Just give me a reason Man, a purpose!
I would love to find a map in my mailbox that has a thickly drawn, red X over where I am supposed to be heading. Instead I open the mailbox and find Shape, Oxygen and Victoria's Secret magazines- all of which remind me of another battle I am losing, the race for a better butt.
For me forward progress looks like a balance between responsibility and rapture. I know my life can not be me sipping on tea all day long writing books, poems, songs and articles- not yet anyway. And so instead of trying to do both, I turn myself over to my "real job" so as to not have to face the fact that I am losing my creative pulse. It is fading in my ears, when it used to pump so loudly I could not make it stop.
I was listening to some talk radio show, and some guy called in to say that he was addicted to lying, but that it didn't start becoming a problem until he kicked his habitual drinking problem. The radio host called it "swapping addictions".
I am not addicted to my job. But I think I may addicted to false purpose. I think I have an "all or nothing" personality. I am the type of person who does things all the way or no way, and so as a result I have swapped out my addiction for prose and filled it in with paperwork and pin pushers.
Whatever makes me feel like I am doing something is my muse lately, even if its the wrong thing.
And that is the crux of my quest, just because I am doing something that doesn't utilize my creative bicep on a daily basis, is it wrong?
I don't think living our lives based upon what opportunities present themselves is wrong or right, I think it just is. Simply waiting around for the perfect thing isn't progression, that's in some respects, procrastination. I know this because I refused to get a job for a long time, just in case the call came in and I was to be whisked away to a lifetime of stardom, or at least to a life that would consist of constant monetary return on my art.
The truth was that I wanted to be different than everyone else. I didn't want to work full time as a bold testament to every one else and to myself that I wasn't ordinary. I wanted to believe that I wasn't sitting in rush hour traffic, dealing with office politics, and managerial hierarchy because I had THAT much faith in my talent.
Well that facade has been torn down. I didn't have that much "faith", it was just stubborn conceit. I now understand the joy of hard work and responsibility. It isn't glamorous but it is character building and it has opened my eyes to what is truly important to me.
It isn't my art.
My art is an extension of my happiness, and I am most happy when I productive with my time, whether that time serves me personally or not. As long as the progress is positive all gains are good.
But, that doesn't mean that there shouldn't be some pursuing of our dreams while under the thumb of our responsibilities...it just gets to hard to determine what to do and what that looks like practically, especially when at the end of the day all I want to do is uncork a bottle of wine and watch I Love Lucy.
People say life is all about balance.
Well, at the time I am imbalanced. I guess I should work on that.
I never thought I would be working full time, while I watch my guitar on the wall gather dust and my running shoes remain too white.
Right now I am still pursuing what I should define in my life as hobby, therapy, and necessary.
As I am trying to stitch together which is what, I can only hope that tomorrow I will be a little closer to understanding my purpose than I am today.
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